When was the last time you and your partner truly felt connected – beyond routines and everyday stress? Intimacy is an essential part of many relationships, but it often gets lost in the hustle and bustle of daily life. The solution for more closeness lies in small, surprisingly simple steps that you can start implementing right away. In this article, you'll discover three ways to strengthen your relationship and improve intimacy... and the answer to why intimacy doesn't begin where many might expect it to.
Step 1: Foreplay starts right after the last intimate moment
Esther Perel puts it wonderfully with her quote: "Foreplay begins the moment the last orgasm has subsided." While it doesn't always have to be about the ultimate moment of passion, this statement captures exactly what matters. Intimacy doesn't suddenly emerge out of nowhere in the most exciting moments, but is the result of the entire interaction between partners – before, during, and after physical closeness. It's the little gestures, the loving words, and the respectful connection that create the space for closeness. The key is to invest time regularly with small gestures to build or deepen the bond between you. Therefore, "foreplay" isn't limited to one single moment, but should be nurtured continuously in everyday life.
Here are three examples of how you can nurture your relationship in everyday life with small gestures. Adapt them so that they suit you:
Unexpected Compliments: Surprise your partner with small, sincere compliments. Saying "I appreciate how patient you always are" or "You radiate such positive energy today" shows that you value the unique qualities of your partner and care about their traits.
Little Surprises in Daily Life: Leave a loving note on the pillow, bring something your partner enjoys, or take over a task they usually handle. These unsolicited, loving acts show that you're thinking of your partner and that you're there for them.
Attention in Conversations: Listen actively when your partner speaks. Ask specific questions and show genuine interest in their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, without judging or offering solutions. These small moments of active listening build trust and give your partner the feeling that they are truly heard and understood.
Step 2: Take care of your own well-being
Intimacy in a relationship doesn't start with your partner, it starts with yourself. To strengthen your relationship and improve intimacy, it’s essential to be in harmony with yourself, feel good about yourself, and think kindly about yourself. Try to regularly find moments that bring you back to your centre – whether through meditation, exercise, cooking, crafting, a relaxing bath, or simply taking a walk in nature. These small rituals not only create calm and balance, but also strengthen your connection to your own body and needs. When you are in harmony with yourself, you may be able to communicate more openly and authentically with your partner, thus deepening your shared intimacy.
Here are three exercises that can help increase your well-being and create a deeper connection to your body:
Deep Belly Breathing: Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and place a hand on your belly. Take a deep breath in and feel your belly gently rise, then exhale slowly, letting your belly fall again. Try to be fully present with each breath, focusing completely on the flow of your breath. This exercise helps to reduce stress and establish a connection with your body.
Mindful Grounding 5,4,3,2,1: The 5-4-3-2-1 Mindful Grounding exercise is a simple and effective method to anchor yourself in the here and now, reducing stress or anxiety. It helps focus your attention on the present moment and distracts from negative thoughts. You can find the step-by-step guide, including a poster, in the "Free Resources" section of my website.
Sensual Dream Journey: Not all fantasies are immediately accessible to everyone. The "Sensual Dream Journey" invites you to a place where individual components of passion, desire, and touch can be found. It avoids creating predefined erotic images and instead opens up space for everyone to freely unfold their own thoughts and fantasies.
Step 3: Create Shared Rituals
An important part of deepening intimacy and connection in your relationship is creating shared rituals that bond you as a couple. These small but consistent moments in everyday life strengthen the bond between you and create familiarity. It can be something simple like having a morning coffee together, taking a walk after dinner, or sharing an experience. Rituals not only offer an opportunity to spend time together, but also to deepen your bond in a relaxed atmosphere. They foster a sense of closeness and belonging because they create a regular, shared experience that reminds you of each other and strengthens you as a team. If you’re thinking, "Great, we regularly watch Netflix together," consider the following to make it a true and meaningful ritual:
Conscious Attention?: A ritual should create space where you can fully focus on each other. No distractions, no multitasking – just the two of you in the moment. Whether it’s a shared meal or a brief pause after a long day, the goal is to give each other your full attention. This conscious attention strengthens the feeling of exclusivity because you choose each other in that moment.
Planned Times?: For a ritual to bring true value, it needs continuity. One-off experiences aren’t enough – ideally, it should happen regularly and intentionally, so it becomes a fixed part of your connection. Whether it's a brief reflection at the end of the day or a weekly outing, a ritual is also something that repeats. This consistency not only gives your ritual structure but also the value of exclusivity since it belongs only to the two of you.
Symbolic Meaning: A ritual gains its true value when it has a special meaning for you. It should be more than just a habit – it needs to be a symbolic act that strengthens your relationship. Perhaps it's cooking together, which reminds you of your first experiences, or evening conversations that deepen your emotional connection. This "specialness" makes the ritual valuable because it's unique to both of you and stands out by not being replicated in the same way by others. Each of you knows: something connective is happening here – it’s not just time spent side by side.
And now, finally, the answer to why intimacy doesn’t begin where many would expect it:
More intimacy in a relationship doesn’t happen overnight or in the bedroom, but through intentionally cultivated moments of closeness and connection. The small gestures in daily life help create a deeper and more lasting bond. By taking care of your own well-being and nurturing rituals that give you both space for real attention, you can strengthen your relationship and elevate intimacy to a new level.
Intimacy is far more than physical closeness – it begins in the mind and heart, is a deliberate choice, and is nurtured through consistent, loving mindfulness in everyday life. By consciously taking time for each other and truly connecting, your partnership will grow stronger with each passing day.